What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

I had hoped to write a book about this .

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

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I write beautiful poetry .

Im still living with it.

Im dying but, im not bitter.

What is your age now, and what age do you prefer to stay at forever?

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

He resisted the act ,that day.

Which feels physically better for guys: vaginal sex or anal sex?

My family never makes their pension either.

It was going to be , some day.

I will be 64.

How do you feel about Donald Trump signing an executive order that says there are only two genders?

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

Can I know a love story of a medical student?

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

What are the most extreme examples of hypocrisy?

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

Where the ultimate outsiders.

Have you ever lied to your family? What were the circumstances?

I was seconnd youngest,

Ive learnt so much.

But it wasn’t much.

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I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

What misfortune led to an important discovery?

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

She wouldn,t have been !

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I have no regrets .

She loved him until the end.

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

I know ,a lot about trauma.

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

The only rule us 5 kids had .

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

And i lived it daily.

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

Was to survive, this bastard.

I was 9 years of age.

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

I said to her

What did i know ?

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

On the 31st of Jan this month .

They are buried together, in the same grave..

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

I was scared of men, in general

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

Who then, do I blame.?

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

(And it was in our own minds.)

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

I don,t even have a pension.

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

I couldn’t, believe it.

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

We all went to grammer schools

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

I could never make a relationship work though!

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

But ive been too sick for many years..

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

Would this be the day?

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

So whats the point in blame.

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

Comes on , in middle age.

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

Especially a lifetime of it.

So, i spoilt her more .

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

But, we were locked up after school.

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

My life is so biszare .

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

I waited trembling.

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

She was in good health!

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

Put me off passion for life!!

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

This is soul school!.

This is how, and why children get BPD.

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

I never cut or harmed myself..

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

My mum and dad in the seventies!

She married twice! .

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

He was dying to do it , i knew.

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

One cannot live in the past .

As i do to all so called friends.?

We were not on the streets..

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

All the time i was locked up.

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

Why did i forgive my father ?

And who doesn’t know suffering?

When she asked me how she looked .

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

I was very sick at this time too.

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

I think the readers, may guess!

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

I did it because my mum asked me too!

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

He knew the spot.

She found it foreign!.

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.